Vetting, Part VII: Boundaries come from within and address the root issue
Vetting is the relationship strategy where a man takes a list of values and qualities he prefers in women and uses it to assess the viability of the woman he is currently dating so that he can know if she is worth committing to over the long term. The quintessential strategy for the type of men who readily identify with being traditional and conservative within a modern and liberal society. Note, these are little ‘l,’ and little ‘c.’ This isn’t about tribal politics, this is about men. The vetting strategy is thrown around as if it’s the same strategy men have used throughout history, when in reality it’s a horrible mental model; a narrative guys use to provide comfort for the grim reality that relationships all end, and most end well before the man is ready to move on, or his children have had the full biological father experience.
Vetting is a horrible strategy for the following reasons:
I. Men do not know what they want in life. Men have a wonderful ability to rationalize what the world offers, transforming it what men wanted all along. A vetting list is guesswork and post hoc rationalization.
V. Vetting creates an ego investment, where a man ignores anything that is outside of his vetted criteria. If the list is wrong, it’s an attack on a mans ego, and he will fight tooth and nail to protect it.
VI. Even if the masks are off, and humans are naked and honest in their interactions (which they aren’t) vetting offers a snapshot into someones values, not a longitudinal assessment. It has the same longevity as an MBTI assessment; it’s astrology for the educated.
VII. Vetting is often done to the exclusion of actual relationship strategies. Boundary enforcement is far superior and doesn’t require a lifetime of instilling feminine values in a man in order to understand them.
A man who created a list based on qualities he was forced to accept by the world around him, refined by the work of countless women filling his head with female sensibilities, that only works when he can force the society he lives in to abide by them wholesale, on a woman who is faking genuine femininity in order to playact Norman: the musical, when the main actor has already moved onto his new project; Norman 2: Electric Boogaloo has forgotten to build any tools to maintain what he’s vetted so hard for.
So we have a list of values that were largely guesswork, put together by a man who lets life happen to him and rationalizes it as a preference. The values that underly the list are created by women, for women, and increasingly with less and less male influence when it matters the most. It vets for values that only have meaning if the social groups we belong to act as a cartel, which they never do. The list is really just a script for an unrealistic play that two people agreed to do for a year or two until it becomes too hard to pretend, and even when it happens, a man will most likely pretend it’s everyone else's fault but his own that anything went wrong. And instead of coming to terms with that, continuing to alter the narrative so it relies less and less on a supporting cast, turning the fetishes form people into objects of masculinity, without the hardship that usually earns the title.
How do you keep them hoes loyal after you marry em? Don’t worry about that, just vet bro!
How do you keep her from getting bored with the same tired dick day in and day out? Don’t worry about that, just vet bro!
How do you ensure you continue to be her best option as her life priorities change? Don’t worry about that, just vet bro!
How do you continue to maintain dominance in the household as a mate retention strategy when you’re faced with unending attempts to undermine you and test your frame?
It’s the most short sighted strategy a man can use, and it guarantees that the man will have to learn proper tools at the point in a relationship where he has the least amount of freedom, or the most amount of leverage to control his own life and value.
Do you know one thing that women love? Women love having to work for and catch the heart of a high value man. Do you know what women don’t love? Lifetime enjoyment of the trophy, that itch comes and the next prize awaits. Do you know what the strongest aphrodisiac is for women? Cocaine. Know the second strongest?
Take a guess on the best way to remove commitment anxiety, is it putting a ring on it? Is it attaching your financial future to the marriage, is it promising in no uncertain terms that you won’t even try to find another one? By showing her a list of vetted qualities that is the beginning and end of her concerns and insecurities with commitment. Men are often berated by the cheat codes, whats worst, wanting an easy life, or giving them to someone else who enjoys playing the game?
Yes. Vetting is bad for sexual longevity, boundary enforcement is far better, even though it’s a constant task to be conducted. Value lists are easy, I’d certainly put on a summer dress, wear a sun hat and bake cookies for a year if it meant I got to enjoy that sort of payoff. It would be great to enjoy before moving onto the next challenge in life. While it isn’t the majority, there’s an ever increasing number of women who treat their first divorce as if it was a part of their standard life path. And these sort of women have no shame about going pure will-to-power on meeting those milestones. They will hold their nose and buckle down to be your everything, and without any tools to enforce your boundaries, they have no reason to keep up the facade outside of the honeymoon.
The idea of putting all this work and investment into vetting a girl is the standard nice guy behavior, adopted to a more mature audience. Instead of being the sexless virgin who puts nice guy tokens into the machine and waiting for sex to be dispensed, he is putting plow horse tokens into TRADBOT 2000 and expecting lifelong fidelity and genuine desire to come out the other end. It’s a negotiation of desire and longevity based on the projection of unattractive behaviors as attractive ones. I’ve repeated the term narcissistic fantasy, and I’ll say it again. It’s building a false script, building an identity, and then expecting everyone to play their part in the script, resulting in rage if it’s not met.
Put two narcissists into a room, the sun-hat gods and the TRADCON dreamers and you’re going to see someone buckle. Since society is designed to favor women over men, men will lose this battle, every time. Judges will hand wave concerns of fairness if it means that the mother will suffer. 30 000 years of maturing as a species, and we still worship the fertility goddess.
So enough of the doom and gloom. In de-constructing narcissistic fantasy masquerading as virtue, what does one do about it? If vetting is a tool used by naive men without a destiny in mind, guided by women influencing morality in their best interests, to serve as a coping mechanism that requires you to shame and bully other men into adopting your same morality using a system with a horrible track record, for people who are putting up a facade to get what they think they want, at the expense of any strategies after the vetting seal of approval, what do we do?
I argue boundaries, resolve, and willingness to be the bad guy in another persons story are the guiding principles that sustainable work far better over the long term, bolstered by a sense of self that is guided by your own self interests, and not that of the herd; or the women in your life that don’t want a man to tell them what to do,
AKA, Dad, after he didn’t buy them that pony when they were six.
When one is single, spinning plates, or sleeping with women for sport, one quickly learned that outward appearances of judgment were the worst way to ensure a successful night with a woman. She liked being a slut, she loved being a slut, she especially loved being your slut. What she hated more than anything was someone thinking of her as a slut, especially someone in her social circle. You learned to keep your mouth shut and enjoy her in the way she wanted to be enjoyed. In that, you learned to enjoy women for what they were, and not what you wanted them to be. A man takes his ego out of the equation, and quietly observes. People feel comfortable around a man with that sort of self confidence, and open up much more to them. Judge if you must, but do it quietly, play the cards close to ones chest. And don’t throw it all away once you get the inkling of success with quietly observing and getting ready to enforce boundaries.
Men have a horrible tradition, where once they start to see success, to throw away the tools that got them there so they can go back to their narcissistic fantasies. It’s the adage of one using ‘red pilled tools for blue pilled goals.’ Don’t do that. Being honest in this way isn’t a summer camp, it’s a re-framing of a mans sexual strategy for his own best interests, unencumbered by female influence. Our old values and morals aren’t ours, by shedding them we see people behind their facades, no one wears a mask unless they are on the defensive against judgment. If you want to find a long term companion, you save a lot of work by seeing the real them as quickly as possible. The woman sees the real you, and you see the real her. It involves degenerate behavior, but remember who called it degenerate in the first place? It wasn’t you, it was people who don’t live with the consequences of your life decisions.
Men that want women, that love all women, they are building this facade. Any girl who is worth a damn will see your authentic masculinity as a breath of fresh air. You be you, you let her be her, and if it’s not working for you, you quietly thank her and find someone else. The sex will be good, exciting, the sex will be honest. By being able to be comfortable as her true slutty self, a man will make her comfortable, so long as you occasionally reciprocate it by taking her slutty finger paintings and putting them on the fridge, telling her how good they are. A little after care can make up for the worst behavior of the best men.
Those kind of women are happy. They don’t know why, they just feel it. Not all women, but enough women Will. Enough that a man can build a strategy off of it. And the thing about the kind of women who are happy with a man, is they like to please him. How can you tell if you have one of those? They do things. I’m not talking about sexual things either: they clean your house while you’re out, they blow you when you’re having a hard day, they do things that make them feel good, they do things for you that make them feel good. They do things that make them feel good by doing things for you without expectation of reciprocity, winning you over is the reciprocity. There’s the only vettable quality that matters.
She wants to make you happy, and through that makes herself happy.
Those are strategies that work. Can you turn a hoe into a housewife? Who knows. I know the kind of woman who can be happy in a house where her man takes the lead will be more than happy to. Give her the chance to be there and see how she responds. Most girls won’t, most girls are just shit and have no game. They’ll come around when they don’t have a choice but to act in some mans Norman musical number. Either it’s the wrong time in her life, the wrong place, the wrong set of circumstances, or she’s under the spell of someone else. Maybe her daddy issues run too deep and she refuses to buckle under the pressure of her own happiness. That’s fine, theres more women out there, and you’ve yet to meet them all. Enjoy her for the time you have her and move on, or move on while you still have her, why be stingy with your gifts?
After strong boundaries, honest communication (I mean communication in every sense other than words) and a non judgmental approach, you start to get a feel for who has potential and who does not. You start to focus on the potential, you stop paying attention to those without. You reward good behaviors, you don’t reward bad behaviors. The one thing you definitely aren’t doing is letting life happen to you, you’re actively taking a role in shaping your own destiny. Your morality and shopping list of criteria isn’t being handed to you by jaded women, emasculated men, or some other authority without skin in the game, you’re building your own based on what has worked in your best interests. It’s not an opt-in list that any cluster B personality can fake, it’s an opt out list, you’ve vetting your own time, attention, affection, and commitment, she can do whatever she wants.
You aren’t learning to like what you get, you’re learning to get what you like. And after all this, you come to learn about yourself, the nature of women, and are in a far better position. Remember, she isn’t yours it’s just your turn. When that turn ends, whether it’s a day, a year, or decades, you have the resolve to walk away when it’s no longer in your best interests to stay. Why? Because your boundaries are sacrosanct. Your dignity, your self respect, and your boundaries are all you have. They are your balls, and you don’t put them in a jar and give them to anyone. Back to the beginning, we are talking about risk. What is risk:
Losing your fortune? If you can build one fortune you can build two.
Losing the love of your life? Once you’ve lost that loving feeling, once the wife goggles have been slapped off your face they aren’t coming back, it’s already lost, you’re simply coming to terms with that
Losing access to your children? Are you the babysitter or their father? Do you want them to be functional adults or do you just want to sit there and tell them stories every night while they see an emasculated man reading it to them? Being the example doesn’t always mean being there every day.
What do you risk? The only thing you risk is your own dignity and your mission, and that only happens when you put your faith into checklists, authorities, and the expectation of reciprocation. All masks, all facades, all buffers to keep you from putting your naked selfe in front of a girl and her naked self, and enjoying that brutal honesty of sexual relationships for as long as it lasts, then moving on, no love lost.
The alternative is trusting a list to live your life for you, and learning to cope with whatever the world wants to give you that day, usually for the benefit of someones best interests that aren’t yours.