The Komodo Dragon
People have the most stupid and repetitive strategies in a relationship fight. Man notices problem and talks to his girl about it. Communication is the answer, always! The girl decides that he called her a bad person, and now she is offended. Continue to throw accusations against the way to see if any stick. Once he starts to correct the accusations, the conversation is now about her reputation, and no longer about the actual screw up she made.
It’s better to remove your attention, affection, and commitment. It’s better to keep your mouth shut then it is to think you can run your mouth half as good as a woman who just maxed out her Visa. This is a strategy about handling grievances, more importantly, it’s about patience, leadership, and taking your ego out of the equation. This is the time to learn how to fight like a Kimono Dragon. If you don’t know, they are a southeast Asian monster who bites their prey then wanders around for a while until the thing passes out from either toxin, venom, or bacteria. Then the dragon wanders up and enjoys it’s victory. I started to see it in my life. Every time the girl and I had a fight, regardless of how right I was, how wrong she was, it was always the same thing. It was about her being a bad person. Of course, after a nights rest and some distance, whatever grievance I had was getting roundly addressed.
The key points to remember are: you have to be worth a damn and you have to give some time for your anger to simmer. Men and women aren’t equal. They don’t fight equal, they don’t talk equal, and they don’t approach a fight equally.
When I was first starting on my journey, I had an issue with my girlfriend at the time and her spending habits. She would piss away her Visa without anything to show for it. The old me would, every 4 months bail her out and tell her to do better after a shouting match. I said this is how we will never afford a new house in Montreal, she said that I was mean and it wasn’t her fault. I’d stomp my feet and nothing would change. After I had gotten my act together, fully red pilled, fully learned about the nature of men, women, communication etc. I learned that I wasn’t holding frame, boundaries, or understanding the communication styles being used. I wasn’t willing to leave over 5k credit card, though after twice It got put on the table. I didn’t really let her know though, so all she knew was that she always had a safety net. So how did I learn to fight more effectively to establish boundaries?
I realize women argue with closed communication, while men argue with open communication. In my case the issue was simple. Spend less than you make, then we buy very nice things or go amazing places. Her argument was simple, she is not a bad persona and I’m too mean. I was focused on open communication, or on the logistics of a problem, she was focused on closed communication, or validation seeking and jockeying for status and harmony. One has to be willing to be the bad guy here and get it all out. I don’t know how I worded the strategic fight, but the broad strokes are what mattered. I was unimpressed that she had done this thing, I was unimpressed she waited so long to tell me, I was unimpressed that she thinks this has anything to do with reputation, and I would not put up with it. I do recall saying that I don’t have many hard boundaries, this was going to be the one. I was just coming off my main event, so she was on board with change. I knew a lot of this would be showing her how to handle finances properly. Her parents were an abysmal failure, I imagine more parents are.
This is a law of the universe, immutable, tablets from high on the mont. I’m not angry, I’m not sad, I don’t need her to agree with me, or calm down. I need her to understand that my commitment comes with compliance. I would help out when and where I can - other than another bailout - but I have to see progress.
Now, here’s where the strategy comes in. She had emotional reaction to all this. I was the bad guy in her story, so be it. She was sitting in the kitchen yelling at me how I couldn't treat her like this, I couldn’t be treating her like a child. This is the part I found useful, as I had been through this before during my main event. It’s just like would when I was picking up a girl from the smoking area in the bar. It’s all about push and pull, dopamine and serotonin, comfort and desire, highs and lows. It’s about polarity. I said my piece, and I was gone. Like the dragon I gave a bite and nothing else needed to be accomplished. I made it a policy not to get dragged into any status arguments, feelings, or accusations I needed to argue with. Just space and distance. I usually say leave with a smile come back with a smile, my normal goofy face was fine.
The trick to a proper fight is that it’s not a fight. It’s not about her reputation, it’s not about making you happy, it’s not about emotions, recognition, validation, vindication or vengeance. It’s laying down the law. My continued commitment was not without condition. I’ve got a plan to succeed, and I won’t let anyone, no matter how good intentioned, get in the way of that. So I go, had a coffee, I hit the gym, then I came home and went to bed, not another word. I noticed it was almost exactly 8 hours between fights and resolution, so I just ran out the clock. And sure enough, the next morning she’s sitting on my lap doing up a budget. When she went over budget for the month she would hand me her visa so she wouldn’t be tempted.
At that point the situation is one about simple leadership and logistics. Give her the tools to succeed, lead her to happiness which she’s kicking and screaming. If she can’t, or won’t succeed? Then you need to have another conversation.