Do you want to be right, or would you rather be effective? What if it came at the cost of your own feelings?
Kids are not atonement for previous parental failure
It’s something very predictable. Parents are often the most ingrained identity I am aware of. Feminists, social justice warriors, democrats, none of them hold a candle to the response one gets by calling a mother out on bad parenting or suggesting a father may need a different strategy. I’ve stopped trying to offer anything that I may have learned from being the child side of the relationship, or from watching the child side of others relationships. Luckily, shouting into the void is free, and here we go. I don’t see good coming from the mental model of modern parenting; or
The atonement for their parents failure.
I’ve written a bit on my childhood. I held resentment for my step father for a long time, until I didn’t. I realized he bought into the same blue pilled social contract that most Boomers bought into. They also got burned by it, like anyone else. By any metric he was an alpha male, brash, aloof, masculine. He was a workaholic that fucked everything that walked, and I always have him in the back of my head when I read about some impotent mans revenge fantasy of being an ‘Alpha.’ I highly doubt a regular man has the resolve to be the kind of unfiltered masculine man that he presented. Are you willing to be a sociopath? Probably not.
I take many lessons from the man who didn’t use my name until I was almost 18. I was lovingly referred to as ‘my moms bastard kid.’ I still remember having me, my brother, and my growing collection of sisters at the bottom of the stairs while he and my mom had shouting matches on the daily. I suggest you go to my article ‘Replacing our Fathers’ if you’re interested in reading more on this. I took many lessons, and the way I referred to it was with this parable: It is like having a father who beat you every day, so you swore you’ll never beat your kids when you become a parent. It’s a great lesson, but you cannot give the teacher any credit.
I would repeat that for years, almost as a mantra, and it kept coming back to me when I became old enough to see my peers become parents, then divorced parents, then part time babysitters, and sometimes new parents again. Everyone had stories of the failures of their parents. Dad was cold, mom separated them from their dad. I hadn’t met the father of most of the girls I fucked during my pick-up days, with the exception of the girls whose dads were naval chiefs. There was a few mornings where I would wake up and see a picture of the chief at work that was known for being a salty asshole; the message his daughter was sending was received loud and clear.
Girls don’t seem to benefit from a father that is cold, but boys seem to, at least the boys I know have. the only problem I see with it, is we lose that thing that made us who we are. I’ve learned much from a parent that did not care if I liked him, and most certainly did not like me. I think the gem in that parenting style is lost on people. Everyone says you’re not supposed to be your child’s friend, but everything they do revolves around having fun and good feeling memories. It’s almost like they are replacing the lessons they learned through hardship with surrogates.
Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, weak men create hard times.
While this isn’t an accusation, it is something that I wonder, often. Are parents really living what they talk about when they proclaim their ‘responsability of a parent?’ or are they using their kids as a vicarious surrogate? I see it often with men in the Married Red Pill sphere. Divorce settlements are anchored around the best interests of the child, which is laughable when you see the actions of vindictive women during their trials. Men who are most focused on maintaining the ability to see their kids every day, focused on their own well being, saying platitudes like “I would be heartbroken if I couldn’t see my kids go to sleep every night.” Again, this isn’t to mock or call out, I just wonder about the two reasons; a wonderful lesson I learned from one of my red pilled mentors:
Everyone has two reasons for what they do. There’s the reason they tell you, and the reason they don’t.
I mean, if the goal was to raise a strong individual, I would expect to see a much harder faced father, especially in cases where the kids who were treated with that level of tough love came out as fully, self actualized men. If the goal was to raise a strong individual, how many men would be able to play nice with their cheating whore ex wife in order to keep her from fucking the kids up (oh, because they will, I’ve seen it). Is it better for the kid to have dad spend a hundred thousand dollars on custody hearings, or to have mom denigrate him, then when the kid becomes college age to find that dad has setup his college fund, or the down-payment on a house? My aforementioned mentor did fill me in on another thing. Most of the time spend with ones children is done when they are adults, and they are the years that count.
It stuck with me. I was mad for years during my childhood, arguably the most useless of years in my life. They only served to allow me to fail consequence free until I could figure out a semblance of adulthood. Would it have been in my best interests for a loving, caring, attentive step father, or for him to have done the job that was required of him, without his ego investment in the outcome? I mean, this outcome independent aloofness is one of the main drivers in overcoming the problems in ones sexual relationships, ones work relationships, why would it be any different if it applied to ones child and parent relationships?
This is a pondering email, there isn’t a point, there isn’t a lesson, and this isn’t tablets taken down from the mont. but I wonder, if men were focused on being effective as opposed to being happy, if men were focused on being correct instead of focused on being right, if men were focused on raising kids, instead of the identity of being a dad …
Would they be better fathers, or worse? Would the lack of prestige among a group that doesn’t treat fatherhood as prestigious really be so bad? Would your unattractive behaviors towards epiphany phase women, single and divorced moms when acquiring plates with solid beta strategy be such a bad thing? This may be as far as these questions go, because the conversation will never be had, parents are too invested in what they are doing, and those with the detachment from the outcomes aren’t invited to the conversation.
Man, I wonder how I will take this post, looking back in a few years. Probably not well.